The song says it all.
Shame by Fernando Ortega
I have to post this simply because this song ministered to me as I am dealing with the subject: Shame.
The song says it all.
Shame by Fernando Ortega
'When I was a child, I asked God for help; then I grew up...and became foolish" paraphrased and personalized discussion between John Newton and William Wilberforce in the movie Amazing Grace.
I remember when I first went off on my 'own' to college, I was 18, and didn't know what lay ahead. The word 'possibilities' seems too small to contain all my heart's dreams. And when I say I was on my 'own', I mean I was completely independent from my childhood home - in all dimensions (physical, financial, spiritual). Yet, I was keenly aware that I wasn't on my own - I was dependent on my loving Father. I was a child.
I remember I used to pray whenever I would consider purchasing something that wasn't a basic need - I remember distinctly praying to Him whether I should use His money to purchase Michael Card's album "The Ancient Faith". I can feel the adrenaline that ran through my veins when I wanted the buy the album and the conversation He and I had. He consented and was delighted for me to use His money to indulge myself in such blessed music. Praying to Him about all the little things was the norm - but then I grew up.
Somewhere along my 'growth', I grew foolish. As a child, I understood that my Father was in the details of 'my' life; He not only knew all the details, but was interested in those details, my quirks, my likes, my fears, my dislikes. But I grew up and grew foolish.
Fast forward a couple of years and you'll find me facing a 'crisis'. I was 20 and looking for a job in the new city to which I had moved. I stopped by a company to see if they had openings, and in my rush to get out of the car to approach the company, I left my keys inside the car. I cried out of frustration and because I believed me to be careless. The first signs of foolishness began to show up; I tried to pop the lock myself with a coat hanger, only to mess up the lock on the passenger's side. I remember crying and praying to Him like a child then - He heard me. I called my sister (using the company's phone as I didn't have a cell phone then) who contacted the friend with whom I was staying temporarily; my friend was able to get off work and help me get the spare key.
It's endearing to look back at this situation in retrospect, but it is heartbreaking. I find it endearing that I broke down for locking my keys in the car while looking for a job. I find it heartbreaking that my first instinct was to solve the problem on my own. This is where my classic prideful phrase began to take form: I will figure it out.
Fast forward more years and you will find me solving all my problems on my own, figuring out how to solve the problems on my own. All the details about which I conversed with Him vanished into insignificant reasons for which not to disturb my Father. My faith grew, by leaps and bounds! My faith in myself, that is, not faith in Him. If my faith in Him was what was growing, then I would go to Him in prayer immediately for every detail for Him to solve it for me. But I first solve the problem on my own and then, when I am buried under tears, mud, pain, and frustration, only then do I seek Him. I grew up and grew foolish.
The world often says, in referring to the fine print in contracts and agreements, that 'the Devil is in the details'. I would have to argue that the truth is quite the opposite. God is in the details.
God is in the details of my flat tire, my lack of self control, my losing my driver's license, my depression, my back pain, my heart's desires, my dreams, the understanding He gives me to carry out my duties at work, my loneliness, my fears, my dog training (or lack thereof), my car's vibration when driving, the locked phone for which I cannot remember the password, the laundry that I have to finish, the letters I want to write, the cards I want to mail, the love I want to give. God is in the details, God is in my details.
When I have flat tire, pray, then the answer will come; when I lose my driver's license, pray, then the answer will come; when I am depressed, pray, then the answer will come; when I am needing understanding and illumination for work, pray, then the answer will come; when I am lonely, pray, then the answer will come. He has told me to pray without ceasing (1 Thes 5:17) - if He commands this, then only one thing is left to do: obey Him.
Our faith is to be like that of a child, who EXPECTS his/her parent to solve all the problems of the world! Lord, please please change my heart! I believe, help my unbelief. Un-grow my 'grown-up' and foolish heart, make me a child, Lord.
"Assuredly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God as a little child will by no means enter it.” ~ Jesus
A vessel who is being emptied of herself and being filled with Christ.
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