How many times a day do we compare our 'worth' in the Kingdom with how others are doing? Do you find yourself asking: Am I producing as much fruit for the Kingdom as person 'x' or 'y'?  I know I constantly ask myself that question. And inevitably, I end the questioning session feeling guilty. No, I am not producing as much fruit as the person next to me.  Therefore, I conclude (erroneously, I might add), I am not of as much 'worth' as the other person; therefore, I'm a speck in heaven; therefore, I'm a terrible daughter; therefore, I'm just wasting air on earth.  

Seeing the above conclusions on paper (or the screen in this case), lets me see the spiral path I tumbled into the moment I started to compare myself to others and their 'performance'. However, it was God Himself who had to speak to me and tear down the lies that I was fabricating and believing; He had to reaffirm that my worth is what He says it is, not what I (or anyone else, for that matter) say it is.  

Let me take you back to more festive days and cooler temps. Early on a December morning, I was walkgging (walk-jogging, well, mostly walking) a 5k race. There was excitement in the air. All sorts of people were around me: old, young, medium, with families, with friends, alone (like myself).  There were strangers, including police officers, cheering us on. Such a nice feeling. Then came a point in the course where two paths diverged (and no, one did not go into the woods). Those who were completing the 10k were to go right and then turn left onto an overpass. Those who were on the 5k were to keep going straight and under the overpass. And that's when I entered eternity. No, I did not pass out or die, but I found myself in God's presence. Let me unpack this for you.

When I looked at the people going right to complete their 10k, something happened in me - only I did not perceive it until God spoke to me. I heard God say to me: You are not less than. When He said those words to me, I realized something was happening to and in me. I was feeling sad, very sad. I remember thinking I wanted to do the 10k; in fact, I really wanted to do the half-marathon. I had done half-marathons before and loved the feeling of completing the race. Yet there I was, doing a simple 5k as I was not at a fitness or psychological level to complete a 10k - let alone a half-marathon. When He spoke to me, I realized that I was feeling less than those who were now above me as they ran on the overpass. Then, He reminded me that the 5k, the 10k, the half-marathon, the kids marathon, and the marathon were all part of the same event, and all ended at the same place. Although there were several races taking place for the same event, all ended by crossing the same finish line. And that's when He brought the lesson home.

I was not built for a full marathon. I hadn't trained for it, so I was not physically or psychologically conditioned for it. If I had gone for the marathon, I would have injured myself. The same applied to the other races. Those completing the marathon were built for the marathon. I was built for the 5k. At the end of it all, we would all end up at the same finish line. Then He showed me how I need not fret for not running the spiritual marathon, because I was conditioned to run the 5k. It did not mean that I was less because I did not have all those fruits full marathoners had; it meant that He built me for the 5k. What if I was placed on the 5k race to help those that had fallen? Those that were broken? Those that were mourning? What if I am a sort of 'hospital' to help other runners get back on their feet and go back to their race, wherein they will bear abundant fruit? Why is running a spiritual 5k of less importance than a marathon? He showed me that He built all His children differently because He placed us all on different races, all of which would end at the same place: Heaven.  

Then, as seamless as it began, I came out of eternity and back to the 5k I was running. After this encounter, it was clear that being in God's presence had changed me. I went under the overpass feeling less than those who were running above me; I came out of the overpass, on the other side, another person. I left behind me the person who felt less than, who didn't measure up to the standards set by fellow brothers and sisters; I was now a person who owned the responsibility of being built for the race in which I was placed by my Father.  

So there you have it my friends, we are all running different races because we are ALL built differently; but we are running in the same event and will end at the same finish line. May we be obedient to His calling, His plans, His will.

Recently, I was battling with living.  Battling with the reality in which our world finds itself.  Battling with the unbridled hate that permeates every corner of this earth.  Battling with such overwhelming evil we are witnessing.  Completely hopeless.

We are all dying.  Some are dying faster.  Some are dying sooner.  Some are agonizing.  What is the point of living?

Strange how these thoughts enter the mind of a follower of Jesus.  I am just being real.  It's overwhelming to live sometimes.  Some much evil.  So much hate.  So much suffering.  So much....

In this state of confusion, I asked for the Lord.  In this state of heaviness, I sought the Lord.  In this state of hopelessness, I knocked on heaven's doors.  Then, just like Jesus said would happen, my asking was answered, my seeking yielded a treasure, my knocking led to doors being opened.  

I sought Jesus, for a word to rescue me out of these waters, and He answered by repeating what He had said 2,000 years ago: Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand.  And in an instant, my quivering soul was grounded.  The events that were taking place during Jesus' ministry were not a bouquet of roses.  There were injustices. There was suffering.  There was abuse of power.  There was murder.  There was theft.  There were heresies.  There was blasphemy.  Yet He remained focused: Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand.  

Life had become overwhelming because my focus had shifted.  I was trying to keep the Titanic from sinking (this world) by rearranging the chairs on the deck.  Jesus reminded me that the Titanic is going down, the focus needs to be on getting people to the life boats and not rearrange the chairs or try to repair the hole.  I cannot stop wars.  I cannot give wisdom to leaders.  I cannot make people reason and calm down.  I cannot stop suffering.  But the one job that I can do is to lead people to the life boats, and, as it turns out, that's the one job that I was given to do on this sinking ship.  

Slowly that heavy cloud that was suffocating me was lifted from me.  Then, my eyes started to see clearer.  Jesus gave me that job because He is coming back.  To use the Titanic analogy, He is coming back with the Carpathia to pick up all those who got on the life boats.  And that portion, Him coming back to pick us up, lifted me to such heights, that I was able to breathe deeply once again.  

Jesus promised He was coming back for us.  I have grown so complacent in expecting His return, that I forgot what a life-sustaining promise it is that He is coming back for us.  This world is not the purpose for my existence.  My purpose for existing is Him.  I exist for Him and in Him, and because of that, I need to continually be looking for His return.  Praise the Lord of Heaven!  Praise the Creator of all!!  

Jesus is coming back - there is no other promise that can put our lives back into perspective.  Jesus is coming back - there is no other in whom we can truly hope.  Jesus is coming back - there is no other in whom we can expect to receive the fulfilled hope of His return.  

O blessed is the day that He returns for His saints!  Blessed is the day when our Messiah will set ALL things RIGHT!  Jesus is coming back, and that is the hope that powers us to guide people to the life boats instead of becoming hysterical and trying to rearrange the chairs on a sinking ship.

May we fix our eyes on Him and His return for us.  May we never tire of expecting His return.

Maranatha!!!

I read often that God is Light, that He is in the light, and that where He is, darkness cannot abide.  So when I came across verse 21 in Exodus 20, my attention was completely lost.  I had to stop right there and just think about what the text said.

The children of Israel were terrified of God, they asked Moses to talk to God for them instead, otherwise they would perish.  God had just delivered what we commonly refer to as the 10 commandments (there were many more, but that's a post for another day).  As He spoke, all they heard and saw was thunder, a trumpet, lightning, and a mountain in smoke.  What a mighty sight to behold.  Moses would have to mediate, speak for them before God.  Then verse 21 happens.  Moses approaches the darkness where God was.  That picture did not compute with my feeble mind.  How is God in darkness?  Perhaps to protect everyone from dying immediately if the saw Him?  Is He not light?  He did speak to Moses from a burning bush, meaning fire, meaning light.  Where was darkness in all this?

Don't have any answers for you.  But what I do have is something the Lord whispered to me as my brain was having a seizure from thinking all of this.  Moses had to approach the darkness where He was.   Right.  So, raise your hand if you like to take a stroll in darkness, towards the sound of thunder, where lightning is striking, and where there is no other source of light around, oh, and there is tons of smoke.  Anyone?  Well, I would probably be crying like a 7 year old if you asked me to do that.  Who knows, maybe I'd get to see - scratch that, it would be too dark to see - experience my first and last tornado.  

Again, Moses had to approach the darkness where God was.  That is what God whispered to me.  Sometimes I think that when things are dark, when trials are grim, when pain is overwhelming, then God is not there.  That it is all an attack from the one who desires our destruction and, therefore, I must hang on until the trial is over so that I can come out victorious on the other side.  But what if, in my desire to approach God, I must also approach darkness?  I must confess, this causes my heart to accelerate and I sort of start hyperventilating.  Going, willingly, toward darkness (pain, suffering, darkness, uncertainty) is not my idea of seeking God, of seeking His face, His presence.  Maybe I've been playing the part of the children of Israel very well: Sending someone else into the darkness to talk to God for me.  But then, if I want to get to God Himself for myself, I must walk toward darkness, where God is, instead of running away from anything that could potentially bring discomfort.  

The truth is, I need to stop seeing life through the glasses of pain or pleasure (anything that makes us happy and that does not cause pain or discomfort).  Walking, following after Jesus, is both: Light and darkness, highs and lows, pain and pleasure.  Not sure where I got the idea that one of our more important goals in life is to avoid discomfort.  If I keep avoiding darkness, then I won't see God when He is in darkness.   Approaching darkness takes an enormous amount of faith I don't have, but I know the One who builds my faith and who strengthens our faith.  I will trust that He will build me so that I, too, can be like Moses and approach the darkness where God is, where He is.

How many times have I read and heard about how Peter, James, John, and the rest of Jesus' disciples left everything to follow Him, and I've nodded in agreement - whether in my heart or physically?  Too many to be able to count.  In my mind, I say I would do the same; this is Jesus whom we are talking about!  When He says follow Me, it is not an invitation - it is a command.  However, the more I live on this earth the more I learn that I don't know anything - especially my own heart.  

The disciples remind me of fitness instructors.  For instance, they do a plank with one hand raised and opening the hip as they turn and stay in that position for 30 seconds with such ease and (seemingly) without much effort, I think: Oh, I can do that.  No problem.  Then, unsurprisingly, as I attempt to replicate the move, not only do I fail miserably (meaning I look more like a dog trying to bend and flex like a cat) but it sends my heart rate through the roof as I have to put all my effort (plus the effort I don't have) to complete the routine.  They always make it look sooooooo easy.  Well, I've discovered that the disciples made it look easy to simply leave everything to follow Him.  

I find myself convicted by witnessing other people leave everything to follow Him; I reach down unto my heart and find that I can't do that.  And that is heartbreaking.  I'm gutted.  

Enter Michael Card with a perfectly timed song on my playlist: Stranger on the Shore.  I have now gained new ears to hear that song.  The whole song pierced me and allowed me to shed tears of mourning.  Mourning the fact that I cannot replicate what the disciples did.  Look at the chorus:

Stranger on the Shore, Michael Card
You need to be confronted
By the Stranger on the shore
You need to have Him search your soul
You need to hear the call
You need to learn exactly
What it means for you to follow
You need to realize that He's asking for it all

Strangely enough, the truth that pierced me is the one that is lifting me up. I need to be confronted by the Stranger on the shore because I have so much arrogance and many hidden rooms of deceit (towards myself).  I need to have Him search my soul, because somewhere in there is the person He created me to be.  I need to hear His call and know EXACTLY what it means to follow Him; He is not asking for my good thoughts, good intentions, or good actions, all of that is easy to give to Him.  He is asking for it all, for all of me.  This means giving Him ALL whom I hold dear and near to my heart.  Giving Him my security.  Giving Him my fears.  Giving Him everything until there is nothing left.  "Only the slave who leaves it all is truly free", Michael Card (A Fragile Stone).  That is my hope: that He will take me to that place where I can leave it all.

I encourage you to buy those two songs by Michael Card, Stranger on the Shore and A Fragile Stone.  Interestingly, they are both on the life of Peter.

May we all be confronted by the Stranger on the Shore and partake of supper with Him, as He searches our souls.

I want to be in control of everything and I believe that thinking about the current situation I find myself in and how to resolve it, will make me be in control.  What an ilusion.  It's chasing after the wind.  Like trying to hold on to vapour with my bare hands.

I had asked the Lord to search my heart and shine a light into it to reveal my intentions, desires, pride and arrogance that were blinding me to Him.  Once He would pull those out, I would be able to see and hear clearly.  All day I could not stop thinking about the situation, the characters, their intentions (and evil intentions), the forces, the grand scheme of things, the not-so grand scheme of things, the pig picture, the little picture, the invisible picture, the abscence of a picture...you get the pitcture. 

I worship 'my' career, my method of solving problems, the knowledge of what are the motives of other people's hearts (which I can't know at all), in summary: my will!  Me! I'm the center of my will.  Ugh! 

This doesn't solve my current situation but it does bring some release and relief in that this is much bigger than what my eyes are capable of seeing.  This is about Jesus bringing out of me that which is not of Him.  His submission to the Father is what He wants to engrave in my heart. 

Clearly, I am a wild horse.  The Lord seeks to channel that force in a positive and constructive way - and breaking my willful, prideful, and arrogance-filled desires and ways will yield a usable force. 

My situation is the same, but now I know what lurked in my heart that didn't allow me to visualize the situation with God's eyes: Idolatry. 

I believe my decision has to be based on this now: do I crush the idol or do I leave the idol intact and purpose myself not to idolize it?  Oh, and which one is the idol?

Just looking at the Old Testament shows me that there was a reason why the Lord instructed the children of Israel to destroy the idols found in their midst.  He did this sooo many times!  Why?  It's obvious that we are weak and cannot be in the presence of idols and expect to be 'strong' enough to not fall down and worship again.  But most certainly, I am weak.  I am very weak.  I know I will inevitably take my eyes off of Jesus and fix them on my idol.  Oh wretched woman that I am!  But thanks be to Christ Jesus who overcame my sin on the Cross.  And it is He who will preserve me blameless and keep me until the day of His return. 

So what now?  I don't know.  All I know is that I need to fall down and worship Him, and He will guide me step by step and give me the courage and bravery to carry out His will - however painful it may be for those around me and myself.

Are you in the same boat?  You may need to step out of the boat to see if you are suffering from the same disease...

Here's the second song the pierced my arrogant heart (I didn't put video together so you can go to youtube directly if you would like - just want to clear that up :)).  Clear the Stage by Jimmy Needham.

Wow - the good thing about being in the middle of a dark and foggy forest is that the Lord reveals the deepest and darkest desires of our hearts.  Such is the case with yours truly.

In the midst of this situation I am in, I found myself signing two songs over and over again.  'Clear the Stage' by Jimmy Needham and 'I will Bring you Home' by Michael Card.  One brought me comfort, the other pointed to my dark secret.

Feeling helpless, lost, and confused, the song that I kept singing was 'I will bring you home'.  I felt and re-discovered His comfort, the tenderness and comfort of my Father, my Abba.  This promise that He will bring me home and have me enter into His day of rest was like a gentle drizzle on my parched soul.  One day He would bring me home, where my only desire is to sit at Jesus' feet.  A day where I will finally be rid of this flesh, where unbelief takes a hold, fears paralyze, and torment tortures.

If you want to listen to the song, you can click here and it will take you to another window, or you can scroll to the bottom of the post. :)

Then, after Abba comforted me and held me in His arms, the song that I was led to sing was 'Clear the Stage'.  I found myself meditating on the bridge and realized that I had been thinking about my situation all week - non-stop!  In case you are not familiar with the bridge, it goes like this: Anything I put before my God is an idol; anything I want with all my heart is an idol; anything I CAN'T STOP THINKING OF IS AN IDOL; anything that I give all my love is an idol. 

Then, after speaking with a friend about motives of the heart (which the Lord sees) and good works (which men see), the song Malachi by Michael Card came to mind.  Again, it's about bringing offerings to God yet being far away from Him; singing unto the Lord, yet not worshipping Him. 

And just now - as in this evening at 9:30 pm - the Lord has revealed what is hidden in my heart: IDOLATRY.  Wow!  What an idol worshipper I am!

Here is the song 'I will bring you home' by Michael Card - the rest of this story is found in part 2.

 

I don't normally write on the blog to process anything.  Usually I will write about something the Lord has recently taught, revealed, or changed in me.  But I feel that this time I have to write as I'm going thru the foggy, dark and stormy night.

There's a decision to be made, a fork in the road, and I can't hear His voice.  It feels like my head has been pushed under water in an attempt to drown me.  Masked figures have beaten me.  An ominous silence that shrieks in your ears.  Invisible hands cut me in an attempt to make me believe it's all in my head. It's all battle, battle, battle.  Battling ghosts of the past (with very real present threats), battling dysfunctionality, and battling the strong desire of the flesh.

To stay or turn around.  To let people down and go to where the Lord is pointing.  To place yourself in harms way and stay where the Lord is saying to stay.  Which of these statements is true?

Though today I am sinking, I know He will show up.  Will I have the faith to wait for Him?  Will I have the obedience to do what He instructs day by day?

I know you may be thinking: She's lacking faith.  She's focused on herself.  She is simply looking at the winds.  She's not fixing her eyes on Jesus.  Yes, I am guilty of all.  This is where I am today.  Have you been here at some point in your life?  Remember...

All I need is His hand, His word.  He will meet me where I am and take me to where He is.  Today I am sinking.  Tomorrow, by faith, I know He will have stretched out His hand and saved me.

In the meantime, this is where I am.