Independence and self-sufficiency are highly valued in our society - most especially by, in and for women.  The ultimate goal? To not need anyone in order to live a happy life.  If we don't rely on anyone but just rely on ourselves, then there is no chance we will let ourselves down - especially us women.

It's confession time: I bought into this lie.

It started with: If I can hang this picture frame on my own, then I do not need any man to help me hang it.  If I can change this flat tire, then I do not need a man to change the tire for me and, therefore, will not be disappointed when he never comes to help the 'damsel in distress'.  In other words, I will not have to depend on a man. 

It progressed to: If I can solve this problem on my own, then I will not need any man or woman to help me solve it and I will not have to be disappointed when they can't help me or when they never come to help me.

It resulted in: I don't need anyone to live my life because I am independent and self-sufficient.  I am at no risk of being deeply hurt or disappointed because I can live independent of other people.

What's puzzling is how in the world did I think this would work when I am to rely on the Lord for my every breath?  How in the world did I reconcile my way of thinking and living with the Truth that I DO depend on a Person, on a relationship with that Person?  The answer: Pride, blindness, pain and fear.

Because of those four factors (pride, blindness, pain and fear) I placed myself in a position where I would not let anyone in my heart in order to remain independent and self-sufficient.  This resulted in me crafting a place of isolation in which no one could come in, nor would I let them in.  What became dangerous was that I numbed the resulting feelings from this isolation (name: Loneliness) by exalting - and I would add worshipping - independence and self-sufficiency.

BUT God...I love how the Lord always introduces this particular conjunction in our lives...BUT God! 

But God loves me so much, that He did not leave me in this place of isolation.  He dealt with me just as He dealt with Adam: He gave me the job of naming beasts.  Why?  So that I would FEEL the NEED and DESIRE for RELATIONSHIPS.  I told the Lord MANY times: 'I do not want to feel!  Please, I do not want to feel!  I don't want to feel because I can't satisfy the feeling and it hurts.  Take away these longings and desires and needs'.  He said no.

In Genesis 2:18-22, we learn that the Lord created man for human relationships - not just marriage relationships, but HUMAN relationships. 

Problem: vs 18 - The Lord says: It is NOT GOOD for man to be alone, I'll make him a helper comparable to him.  So what is the next logical event that should take place?  For the Lord to create a helper comparable to Adam - in other words, another human - in this particular case, a wife.  What does the Lord do?

Process 1: vs 19 - A. Out of the ground the LORD God formed every beast of the field and every bird of the air, and
B. brought them to Adam to see what he would call them. And whatever Adam called each living creature, that was its name.

A. The Lord creates animals, not humans, but animals.  B. He has Adam name the animals.  Why would the Lord do this when He knows full well that Adam needs another human? 

The question becomes: Does Adam know what he needs? 

Process 2: vs 20 - But for Adam there was not found a helper comparable to him.  In verse 19, Adam does not know his need...in verse 20, Adam learns of and feels his need after naming the beasts.

Solution: verse 21-22 - the Lord creates Eve.  Human relationships - and in this case a VERY special relationship: that between a man and a woman.

The Lord had Adam go through the process of naming beasts in order for him (Adam) to learn of and feel the need for relationships and conclude that of all the living creatures, NONE was a helper comparable to him.

So I am happy to report that the Lord has un-numbed my feelings (yikes!  it really hurts) and I am feeling with FULL FORCE the need, desire and longing for human relationships, and, yes I cannot deny it, the same type of relationship Adam and Eve had.  Can I satisfy them on my own by being self-sufficient and independent? No.  What is the ultimate purpose of this exercise?  That I understand how VITAL His relationship with me is and that I draw close to Him to fulfill these needs, desires and longings.  That He is ALL SUFFICIENT and DEPENDABLE - in Him I find my sufficiency and dependence.  Also, I've learned to allow others in my heart and to let my love flow freely to them.  Being in the isolation of self-sufficiency and independence is a very lonely and dry place.

And so there it is - At present, I am naming beasts...I am Adam.

Finally the second part is ready for sharing!  In the first part I recapped how the Lord had been revealing Himself to me, and how most recently He had come to me as El Shaddai.  I continue to process the encounter - as I continue to do so with Jehova Raphe and El Roi.

When I set out to walk in life, I chose paths that would in some way fill needs that I didn't know I had or satisfy desires that I didn't know I felt.  These choices were molded and shaped by circumstances and words that would come to define who I was...yes, who I was, for I am not the person who I thought I was (more on this later).

Those circumstances and words were not tender, were not beautiful, were not uplifting.  Instead they were rough, ugly, and oppressive.  Though I was free from my self and my sin through Jesus, I lived in chains; I was and am bound by invisible chains.  The Lord opened my eyes, and I have been able to see some of the chains around my neck.  This has allowed me to feel the hurt I hadn't felt from the moment I was born - and it also let me feel needs and desires that had not been filled and satisfied.    It allowed me to see that my heart was with holes and torn by a particular chain...the name of the chain:  REJECTION. 

It felt as if I was walking around with third degree burns, anything that brushed against my skin would cause unspeakable pain.  Rejection had shaped how I viewed myself and how I denied myself to feel my needs or desires - all because of the pain caused by rejection.  I realized I was DESPERATE to have my needs met and my desires satisfied.  But how?

I was desolate, broken, pulverized.  This overwhelming state of being took me to genuine despair and into His arms.  With tears and despair I cried out to Him, asking Him why was He not enough for me?!  Why?  Then He whispered in my ear: El Shaddai, the all sufficient One.  Only He could and would fill my needs and satisfy my desires.  Nothing or no one else would or could do this for me.  Though I was torn, He would make me whole.  Though I found myself mourning, He would give me joy.  Isaiah 61 became real to me...Christ walked out of the pages of Scripture before my very eyes and El Shaddai stood before me.

Christ came to:
       2 To proclaim the acceptable year of the LORD,
          And the day of vengeance of our God;
          To comfort all who mourn,
       3 To console those who mourn in Zion,
          To give them beauty for ashes,
          The oil of joy for mourning,
          The garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness;
          That they may be called trees of righteousness,
          The planting of the LORD, that He may be glorified.”
       4 And they shall rebuild the old ruins,
          They shall raise up the former desolations,
          And they shall repair the ruined cities,
          The desolations of many generations.

         Isaiah 61:2-4

I learned first hand that He alone could bring me oil of joy in exchange for my mourning, that my ruined cities would be rebuilt and repaired.  I would not be left broken and incomplete.  He would repair my heart and make it whole.

El Shaddai alone can do this because no one has access to my heart, not even myself.  He is the ALL SUFFICIENT ONE - no one else will suffice.  His tender mercies and loving kindness will and are making my heart whole; out of ashes He will bring beauty.  He is El Shaddai.