How many times a day do we compare our 'worth' in the Kingdom with how others are doing? Do you find yourself asking: Am I producing as much fruit for the Kingdom as person 'x' or 'y'?  I know I constantly ask myself that question. And inevitably, I end the questioning session feeling guilty. No, I am not producing as much fruit as the person next to me.  Therefore, I conclude (erroneously, I might add), I am not of as much 'worth' as the other person; therefore, I'm a speck in heaven; therefore, I'm a terrible daughter; therefore, I'm just wasting air on earth.  

Seeing the above conclusions on paper (or the screen in this case), lets me see the spiral path I tumbled into the moment I started to compare myself to others and their 'performance'. However, it was God Himself who had to speak to me and tear down the lies that I was fabricating and believing; He had to reaffirm that my worth is what He says it is, not what I (or anyone else, for that matter) say it is.  

Let me take you back to more festive days and cooler temps. Early on a December morning, I was walkgging (walk-jogging, well, mostly walking) a 5k race. There was excitement in the air. All sorts of people were around me: old, young, medium, with families, with friends, alone (like myself).  There were strangers, including police officers, cheering us on. Such a nice feeling. Then came a point in the course where two paths diverged (and no, one did not go into the woods). Those who were completing the 10k were to go right and then turn left onto an overpass. Those who were on the 5k were to keep going straight and under the overpass. And that's when I entered eternity. No, I did not pass out or die, but I found myself in God's presence. Let me unpack this for you.

When I looked at the people going right to complete their 10k, something happened in me - only I did not perceive it until God spoke to me. I heard God say to me: You are not less than. When He said those words to me, I realized something was happening to and in me. I was feeling sad, very sad. I remember thinking I wanted to do the 10k; in fact, I really wanted to do the half-marathon. I had done half-marathons before and loved the feeling of completing the race. Yet there I was, doing a simple 5k as I was not at a fitness or psychological level to complete a 10k - let alone a half-marathon. When He spoke to me, I realized that I was feeling less than those who were now above me as they ran on the overpass. Then, He reminded me that the 5k, the 10k, the half-marathon, the kids marathon, and the marathon were all part of the same event, and all ended at the same place. Although there were several races taking place for the same event, all ended by crossing the same finish line. And that's when He brought the lesson home.

I was not built for a full marathon. I hadn't trained for it, so I was not physically or psychologically conditioned for it. If I had gone for the marathon, I would have injured myself. The same applied to the other races. Those completing the marathon were built for the marathon. I was built for the 5k. At the end of it all, we would all end up at the same finish line. Then He showed me how I need not fret for not running the spiritual marathon, because I was conditioned to run the 5k. It did not mean that I was less because I did not have all those fruits full marathoners had; it meant that He built me for the 5k. What if I was placed on the 5k race to help those that had fallen? Those that were broken? Those that were mourning? What if I am a sort of 'hospital' to help other runners get back on their feet and go back to their race, wherein they will bear abundant fruit? Why is running a spiritual 5k of less importance than a marathon? He showed me that He built all His children differently because He placed us all on different races, all of which would end at the same place: Heaven.  

Then, as seamless as it began, I came out of eternity and back to the 5k I was running. After this encounter, it was clear that being in God's presence had changed me. I went under the overpass feeling less than those who were running above me; I came out of the overpass, on the other side, another person. I left behind me the person who felt less than, who didn't measure up to the standards set by fellow brothers and sisters; I was now a person who owned the responsibility of being built for the race in which I was placed by my Father.  

So there you have it my friends, we are all running different races because we are ALL built differently; but we are running in the same event and will end at the same finish line. May we be obedient to His calling, His plans, His will.

Recently, I was battling with living.  Battling with the reality in which our world finds itself.  Battling with the unbridled hate that permeates every corner of this earth.  Battling with such overwhelming evil we are witnessing.  Completely hopeless.

We are all dying.  Some are dying faster.  Some are dying sooner.  Some are agonizing.  What is the point of living?

Strange how these thoughts enter the mind of a follower of Jesus.  I am just being real.  It's overwhelming to live sometimes.  Some much evil.  So much hate.  So much suffering.  So much....

In this state of confusion, I asked for the Lord.  In this state of heaviness, I sought the Lord.  In this state of hopelessness, I knocked on heaven's doors.  Then, just like Jesus said would happen, my asking was answered, my seeking yielded a treasure, my knocking led to doors being opened.  

I sought Jesus, for a word to rescue me out of these waters, and He answered by repeating what He had said 2,000 years ago: Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand.  And in an instant, my quivering soul was grounded.  The events that were taking place during Jesus' ministry were not a bouquet of roses.  There were injustices. There was suffering.  There was abuse of power.  There was murder.  There was theft.  There were heresies.  There was blasphemy.  Yet He remained focused: Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand.  

Life had become overwhelming because my focus had shifted.  I was trying to keep the Titanic from sinking (this world) by rearranging the chairs on the deck.  Jesus reminded me that the Titanic is going down, the focus needs to be on getting people to the life boats and not rearrange the chairs or try to repair the hole.  I cannot stop wars.  I cannot give wisdom to leaders.  I cannot make people reason and calm down.  I cannot stop suffering.  But the one job that I can do is to lead people to the life boats, and, as it turns out, that's the one job that I was given to do on this sinking ship.  

Slowly that heavy cloud that was suffocating me was lifted from me.  Then, my eyes started to see clearer.  Jesus gave me that job because He is coming back.  To use the Titanic analogy, He is coming back with the Carpathia to pick up all those who got on the life boats.  And that portion, Him coming back to pick us up, lifted me to such heights, that I was able to breathe deeply once again.  

Jesus promised He was coming back for us.  I have grown so complacent in expecting His return, that I forgot what a life-sustaining promise it is that He is coming back for us.  This world is not the purpose for my existence.  My purpose for existing is Him.  I exist for Him and in Him, and because of that, I need to continually be looking for His return.  Praise the Lord of Heaven!  Praise the Creator of all!!  

Jesus is coming back - there is no other promise that can put our lives back into perspective.  Jesus is coming back - there is no other in whom we can truly hope.  Jesus is coming back - there is no other in whom we can expect to receive the fulfilled hope of His return.  

O blessed is the day that He returns for His saints!  Blessed is the day when our Messiah will set ALL things RIGHT!  Jesus is coming back, and that is the hope that powers us to guide people to the life boats instead of becoming hysterical and trying to rearrange the chairs on a sinking ship.

May we fix our eyes on Him and His return for us.  May we never tire of expecting His return.

Maranatha!!!

I read often that God is Light, that He is in the light, and that where He is, darkness cannot abide.  So when I came across verse 21 in Exodus 20, my attention was completely lost.  I had to stop right there and just think about what the text said.

The children of Israel were terrified of God, they asked Moses to talk to God for them instead, otherwise they would perish.  God had just delivered what we commonly refer to as the 10 commandments (there were many more, but that's a post for another day).  As He spoke, all they heard and saw was thunder, a trumpet, lightning, and a mountain in smoke.  What a mighty sight to behold.  Moses would have to mediate, speak for them before God.  Then verse 21 happens.  Moses approaches the darkness where God was.  That picture did not compute with my feeble mind.  How is God in darkness?  Perhaps to protect everyone from dying immediately if the saw Him?  Is He not light?  He did speak to Moses from a burning bush, meaning fire, meaning light.  Where was darkness in all this?

Don't have any answers for you.  But what I do have is something the Lord whispered to me as my brain was having a seizure from thinking all of this.  Moses had to approach the darkness where He was.   Right.  So, raise your hand if you like to take a stroll in darkness, towards the sound of thunder, where lightning is striking, and where there is no other source of light around, oh, and there is tons of smoke.  Anyone?  Well, I would probably be crying like a 7 year old if you asked me to do that.  Who knows, maybe I'd get to see - scratch that, it would be too dark to see - experience my first and last tornado.  

Again, Moses had to approach the darkness where God was.  That is what God whispered to me.  Sometimes I think that when things are dark, when trials are grim, when pain is overwhelming, then God is not there.  That it is all an attack from the one who desires our destruction and, therefore, I must hang on until the trial is over so that I can come out victorious on the other side.  But what if, in my desire to approach God, I must also approach darkness?  I must confess, this causes my heart to accelerate and I sort of start hyperventilating.  Going, willingly, toward darkness (pain, suffering, darkness, uncertainty) is not my idea of seeking God, of seeking His face, His presence.  Maybe I've been playing the part of the children of Israel very well: Sending someone else into the darkness to talk to God for me.  But then, if I want to get to God Himself for myself, I must walk toward darkness, where God is, instead of running away from anything that could potentially bring discomfort.  

The truth is, I need to stop seeing life through the glasses of pain or pleasure (anything that makes us happy and that does not cause pain or discomfort).  Walking, following after Jesus, is both: Light and darkness, highs and lows, pain and pleasure.  Not sure where I got the idea that one of our more important goals in life is to avoid discomfort.  If I keep avoiding darkness, then I won't see God when He is in darkness.   Approaching darkness takes an enormous amount of faith I don't have, but I know the One who builds my faith and who strengthens our faith.  I will trust that He will build me so that I, too, can be like Moses and approach the darkness where God is, where He is.

How many times have I read and heard about how Peter, James, John, and the rest of Jesus' disciples left everything to follow Him, and I've nodded in agreement - whether in my heart or physically?  Too many to be able to count.  In my mind, I say I would do the same; this is Jesus whom we are talking about!  When He says follow Me, it is not an invitation - it is a command.  However, the more I live on this earth the more I learn that I don't know anything - especially my own heart.  

The disciples remind me of fitness instructors.  For instance, they do a plank with one hand raised and opening the hip as they turn and stay in that position for 30 seconds with such ease and (seemingly) without much effort, I think: Oh, I can do that.  No problem.  Then, unsurprisingly, as I attempt to replicate the move, not only do I fail miserably (meaning I look more like a dog trying to bend and flex like a cat) but it sends my heart rate through the roof as I have to put all my effort (plus the effort I don't have) to complete the routine.  They always make it look sooooooo easy.  Well, I've discovered that the disciples made it look easy to simply leave everything to follow Him.  

I find myself convicted by witnessing other people leave everything to follow Him; I reach down unto my heart and find that I can't do that.  And that is heartbreaking.  I'm gutted.  

Enter Michael Card with a perfectly timed song on my playlist: Stranger on the Shore.  I have now gained new ears to hear that song.  The whole song pierced me and allowed me to shed tears of mourning.  Mourning the fact that I cannot replicate what the disciples did.  Look at the chorus:

Stranger on the Shore, Michael Card
You need to be confronted
By the Stranger on the shore
You need to have Him search your soul
You need to hear the call
You need to learn exactly
What it means for you to follow
You need to realize that He's asking for it all

Strangely enough, the truth that pierced me is the one that is lifting me up. I need to be confronted by the Stranger on the shore because I have so much arrogance and many hidden rooms of deceit (towards myself).  I need to have Him search my soul, because somewhere in there is the person He created me to be.  I need to hear His call and know EXACTLY what it means to follow Him; He is not asking for my good thoughts, good intentions, or good actions, all of that is easy to give to Him.  He is asking for it all, for all of me.  This means giving Him ALL whom I hold dear and near to my heart.  Giving Him my security.  Giving Him my fears.  Giving Him everything until there is nothing left.  "Only the slave who leaves it all is truly free", Michael Card (A Fragile Stone).  That is my hope: that He will take me to that place where I can leave it all.

I encourage you to buy those two songs by Michael Card, Stranger on the Shore and A Fragile Stone.  Interestingly, they are both on the life of Peter.

May we all be confronted by the Stranger on the Shore and partake of supper with Him, as He searches our souls.

Many times I am left in wonder as to why is it easier to believe something that is intangible than something that is tangible or semi tangible.  At least this is the case with me.

Let me explain.  

I find that it is easier to believe that Jesus died on the cross for my sins, rose on the third day, ascended into heaven and will be coming back to establish His kingdom.  I find it easier to believe that the work He did on the cross, in the grave and rising from the dead paid for my sins and gave me the power to be now called a daughter of God.  Why, then, is it hard to trust Him, to have faith that He works everything for good and His glory, when it comes to those I love?  Why is it that I have to try to do something, try to uncover some hidden meaning in His words, or just try to 'help' Him when it comes to my loved ones?

Last week I had to make a most excruciating decision: End the life of a most beloved friend.  A faithful friend.  One who loved me even when I was not loveable.  One who was always happy to see me, even if it had been a mere 5 minutes from the last time he had seen me.  Always wagging his tail.  Following me everywhere.  And it was this beautiful friend whose life I had to end.  The cancer had taken over his mandible, bleeding, not letting him enjoy what he enjoyed the most: food.  He would starve to death.  And all this time, with pain and all, he would bark to protect those he loved when someone came to the door.  As if this whole scene was not painful already, I struggled to believe what would happen to him when he left this dimension.  

He clearly wasn't a doll or a teddy bear; he had personality.  He was affectionate.  He could be happy.  He could be sad.  He preferred company.  What would happen to him when he breathed his last?  Why was it hard for me to trust a good God with his life?  Why could I not trust that He had my friend's life in His hands, just like He does everyone else's?  

There is so much more to say, but I will not make this post longer.

I had come to a fork on the road: Believe or Perish.  You see, when I came to this fork on the road for my sins, I chose to believe.  Now I had to make the same choice with my friend's being.  

It all boiled down to this: Do I believe that God is good?  Do I believe that He is sovereign?  Do I believe that He is the author ​of life?  

Just like Peter, I arrived at the same conclusion:  Only You, Lord, have the words of eternal life.  To whom else can I go?  Who can I trust with the being of my friend?

There are only two options: My friend disintegrated into thin air when he breathed his last...or God, as the author of life and being the very essence of love, has him (because He loves him more than I ever could, because He created him).  I don't know what that looks like - but I know that there will be animals in heaven (Isaiah 11:6 and 65:25) and these creatures will speak in heaven (Revelation 5:13).  

So this is where the rubber met the road for this particular path:  Where do I turn to?  I have nowhere else to go but to God, for He alone is the author of life, He is love, and He is sovereign.  

Faith is...where the rubber meets the road; where there is something much greater and way beyond the pain we face today.  It takes time to reach this point...well, it took me some time to get here.

I pray we all choose life, hope, and love.

If someone whom you didn't know offered you a gift, would you take it without reservations or would you reject it thinking that there had to be a catch?

Well this exact situation happened to me and I will tell you, I paused and did not receive the gift.  This was my loss, for the gift was a worship CD.  Let me give you some context.

Last Sunday we had a guest speaker in our service.  While many in the congregation where familiar with him, and even knew him, I did not know him.  It would be my first time to hear him deliver God's message.  So after he was introduced, he settled himself at the podium, and proceeded to thank the family that was hosting him.  He gave them a book by A.W. Tower on prayer.  I thought: man, that's so nice of him. 

After this he spoke to the congregation and lifted up a CD (for all to see) and asked who would like the CD?  It would go to the person who would come up to the front and take it.  No one stood up.  I was thinking, is this an object lesson?  Like when you get to the front, something is going to happen?  I most certainly don't want to be the one of whom an object lesson would be made (I'm extremely shy).  Again, he repeated the invitation to receive the FREE CD.  At this time, one of my brothers who was sitting behind me stood up and received it.  I was waiting for the trap to snap as soon as the cheese had been retrieved by the mouse.  Nope.  No such thing happen.  My brother made it back to his seat in one piece.  So then I moved from skepticism to disbelief.  

Next, he lifted up a book: A Collection of Wit and Wisdom of Adrian Rogers.  So I confess, at this time, I thought: I really REALLY want that book! (Exclamation point and all)  And mind you, not just because I love books, but because I had actually been saving up to purchase a book with Adrianisms.  Just as before, he stated that whoever wanted the book would get it, to just come to the front and receive it.  So then I started thinking: This isn't for real; it just isn't.  The speaker was stunned, no one was getting up.  So much so, that he said something to the effect of:  what's going on with you people that you won't accept a gift.  So at this moment, I thought: well, this could be for real, but, I should not get up; there is someone else who needs that book and I would just be stealing it from them (if you think this is crazy, you should hear the conversations I'm constantly having with myself - it's the stuff of insane asylums).  He repeated his call: if you want this, come and receive it.  At this time I found myself in a crisis of belief, a la Henry Blackaby: Either I took action to move forward or stayed still and miss the boat.  So it was that I moved from disbelief to a crisis of belief.  

Somewhat hesitantly, I got up and sped-walked to the front,  received the book and sped-walked back to my seat and sat down (about this time I could hear my adrenal glands pumping out the adrenaline that was running through my body).  I barely looked at the book my hands were holding; I was trying to placate the thought that now something was going to happen and I would be, indeed, part of an object lesson.  To my incredulity, the speaker went on to give out another gift and promptly started his message.  At this time, the 1,001 thoughts that were racing thru my mind evaporated by the love-imbued, Spirit-filled, and truth-packed message that was delivered.

It turns out I was, indeed, an object lesson; and not one, but two.  However, it wasn't the speaker who made the lessons - it was God. 

Object lesson #1: T God's children, A FREE gift does NOT have strings attached.

I debated about using the word 'free' with gift, because honestly, it's redundant.  However, I cannot deny that I have been gifted in times past (as I am sure you have too) gifts that did come with strings attached.  It is actually those experiences that have made me cynical about receiving gifts.  If this is unfamiliar territory to you, then just think about political campaigns and donors of said campaigns; their donations are not donations, they are 'investments' and as good investors, they expect a good return on their investments. 

So, when God is giving us gifts, we should not expect for Him to treat it as an investment.  He gives us gifts because He loves us, not to get something in return.  The truth is, He doesn't need us or anything we can give to Him, so His gifts are truly NO STRINGS ATTACHED.  That is what Grace is: a gift.  If there is any guilt present, then know that it is not of God.  Guilt is a heavy burden that makes us run away from God, and it is from the enemy.  Conviction, on the other hand, is light, making us move toward Jesus and fall at His feat and repent.  Conviction is from God.  So: Guilt leads us away from Christ.  Conviction leads us to Christ.

Back to receiving gifts.  I must confess, that it is easier for me to accept a gift from God thinking it is an investment (and therefore I must give Him the return on His investment) instead of a gift (where He doesn't expect anything from me).  Why?  Well because, just as with salvation, it is easier to rely on my 'good' works to be sanctified.  If I am good, then I will get good gifts.  However, I have to tell you, I have received gifts from God even though I have not been good.  And that's where the monkey wrench comes to ruin my works-based sanctification, because even sanctification is by GRACE, not by works.  Otherwise, what would we do with the promise: He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it until the day of Christ Jesus (Phil 1:6)?  What work was began? Salvation.  What will be completed? Sanctification (being made more like Christ).  Who's responsible for this?  God Himself.  The Holy Spirit is tasked with presenting the Bride of Christ blameless.  That means, I'm His makeover project!  And so are you! 

So if you sin, remember to confess your sins for He is faithful and just to cleanse us from ALL iniquity (1 Jn 1:9).  And when you receive gifts from God, remember that it is His lovingkindness that leads us to repentance (Rm 2:4), so receive it and thank Him for it.

So now to the other side of the coin...

Object lesson #2: To the lost, a free gift DOES have strings attached.

How many times have we sat back in frustration at how someone with whom the gospel has been shared rejects the gift of life?  I know I do.  In fact, it doesn't make sense.  Why would anyone reject a gift? This sounds awfully familiar...oh yeah! I answered this question by rejecting the worship CD, remember?

They live in a world of ALL strings attached.  So when we offer a gift, they are looking for the strings.  This object lesson helped me understand those who cannot accept that God would give them life thru Christ Jesus in spite of their wickedness.   This is a subset of all the people who ultimately end up rejecting God; so don't think I am generalizing this to everyone.  This is just applicable to those who cannot accept a free gift because they see strings where no strings exist.

Just as I have been burned many a time with 'investments', so, too, have these people who cannot fathom a free gift.  This lesson helped me put myself in those shoes, so that when I encounter someone who cannot get up from his or her seat to receive a gift, I can love them and encourage them and, most importantly, pray for their eyes to be opened to the stringless gift before their eyes.  In other words, do what is at my disposal to lovingly help someone incapable of getting out of their seat to receive the gift being extended to them.

This lesson was heartbreaking; I truly felt such compassion for lost souls who cannot get out of their seats because receiving something free cannot be processed by their minds and hearts.  Now I know how to pray.

So next time we encounter someone who seems to want the gift of salvation but is hesitating, pray for discernment.  Perhaps he or she is unable to move out of their seat to receive the gift because they expect the strings to be pulled and strangle them.  We must do what Jesus did for us, love them as they are and pray for them to see the truth and get a hold of that Truth - appropriate that truth.  And let us show them with our lives and love that the gift is truly FREE, and they will find freedom from all the strings that ever were in that Gift.

Well, I'm sure there are many more lessons to draw from this experience (and I would love to hear them if the Lord reveals them to you); for now, I need to mediate on these a bit more.

May the Lord bless you with all spiritual blessings - and may you receive them without guilt or hesitation!

How many times have you found yourself down in the slumps and reached out to someone, a friend, for some encouragment, only to be met with words like: 'get over it, stop doubting and being in disbelief, and have faith'

Is being down and discouraged the same as not having faith?  

This is a question that I have been pondering on for quite some time now.  I cannot say that I have THE answer, but I have to say that the Lord has answered me regarding this question.  I received my answer after looking at two critical moments in the life of the Lord Jesus - that's where the Holy Spirit took me, and that's where He taught me.

The Garden
A garden is a place of life. A place of fruit.  A place of hope.  Yet, on the evening of the last Passover the Lord Jesus would have with His disciples,  the garden was filled with a great turmoil.  It witnessed a great struggle.  If felt the agony of each drop of sweat that poured out from Jesus.  Did Jesus need encouragement?  Yes.  Was He lacking faith?  No.  This was a moment where He was not on a mountain top, rather in a deep and dark valley.  Did the Father care?  Yes.  How do we know this?  He sent an angel to minister (read: encourage) His Son for the path that lay ahead: 'then an angel appeared to Him from heaven, strengthening Him." (Luke 22:43).

The angel came down to where Jesus was and strengthened Him because He needed strengthening.  He was not lacking faith, He was going thru the greatest struggle any soil has had to witness or ever will witness: the will of the Father and the will of the Son...not My will, but Yours be done (Luke 22:42).  Jesus needed encouragement for what lay ahead, because what lay ahead was a darker valley than the one He was on.  

The Cross
What type of view do you think Jesus had when He was hanging from the cross?  His eyes beheld: soldiers who scourged and spit on Him, fellow countrymen who mocked Him, rulers who seethed with hate towards Him, friends who had abandoned Him in His our of greatest need.  The very reason for which He was hanging on a tree, was the source of such pain, sorrow, and agony.  This was no mountain-top experience, this was the valley of the shadow of death - if not death itself.  And in His infinite mercy, the Father sends encouragement to Jesus.  How?  Thru a thief.  Heaven rejoices when ONE sinner repents ("there will be more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine just persons who need no repentance." Luke 15:7).  One sinner, a thief, repented in the midst of Jesus' valley experience...should this not have given encouragement to Jesus?  I say yes.  But don't take my word for it, take His: "Assuredly, I say to you, today you will be with Me in Paradise." (Luke 23:43).  

He received encouragement in the midst of His trial when He witnessed a fruit blossom before His very eyes - the very reason why He was being offered up.  Because without death, there is no remission of sins; without His death, the thief's sins would not have been blotted out.  The thief's repentance encouraged Him to endure the cross for the joy that was set before Him: that He would be with the thief in Paradise that very same day.

So is it wrong to need encouragement?  And is needing encouragement the same as being in disbelief?  No, and no.  We need encouragement...especially when we are walking in the valleys, when we are down, when we are discouraged.

Let us pray that when we are down and needing encouragement, we have brothers and sisters who will not throw darts at us, rather will come down to where we are and strengthen us, just like the angel did with the Lord in the Garden; let us pray that when we grow weary in the work of the Kingdom, that we witness fruit that will encourage us to look ahead to the Joy set in heaven, like the thief was to the Lord Jesus when He was on the Cross.  More importantly, let us pray that we be those friends who will encourage those who need encouragement and strengthen those who need strengthening.  And above all, let us ask for forgiveness for the many times we, I, have shot darts at friends who were discouraged instead of lifting them up and encouraging them.

I had always thought that we all received the same amount of talents; that the difference in yielded fruit was dependent on what each one of us did with those talents, whether we were good or bad stewards of these talents.  In fact, I had been struggling with feelings of inadequacy and failure for not having the same fruit as my other brothers and sisters were having.  My conclusion was that I wasn't doing enough, or not speaking enough, or not engaging enough, or not charismatic enough.  And though I would purpose in my mind to try to do or be those things, I felt like a hypocrite, like trying to be someone I wasn't.  But surely this was ok, because I was doing it in service of the Kingdom, right?

It was then that the Holy Spirit spoke to me.  He brought up this passage (Matthew 25:14-30) into my heart and started to explain and teach me (just like the Lord Jesus said He would before ascending to the Father).  "And to one he gave five (5) talents, to another two (2), and to another one (1), TO EACH ACCORDING TO HIS OWN ABILITY."

He taught me two important truths from this verse:
1. each servant received a different amount of talents; they did not all receive the same amount.
2. the amount was determined by the ability of each servant.

How could I expect to accomplish the tasks set out by someone who had five talents when I don't have the same number of talents?  How could I attempt to act like someone who had received five talents, when I did not possess the same abilities?  What I learned was that I ought not to act as if I possessed certain abilities, when in reality I did not.  I was created with specific and certain abilities, and my energies and thoughts ought to be focused on investing the talents given to me to the best of MY abilities, not the abilities of other brothers and sisters.  

When He opened my eyes to this and put it into perspective with my walk, it felt as if a thick, musty, and heavy fog had suddenly disappeared.  Now I could breath deeply.  Now the air wasn't stagnant.  Now I could see the lane in which I was to run my race.  And this makes all the difference.  Knowing what He expects of me and that He has created me with certain abilities that are specific to me.  I don't need to be like someone else, behave like someone else, in order to increase the yield of the talents given to me; I just need to be whom He created me to be, because He knows what He is doing.

What I need to pray, and will pray, is that the Lord help me clearly identify my abilities and the number of talents He has given to me so that I be a good steward of that which I possess.  And, importantly, to not look at the talents and abilities of fellow brothers and sisters as a benchmark because we were all created with different abilities and given a different number of talents; by design, we will not look the same because we are UNIQUE.

The lie of meeting or exceeding expectations set by others is so damaging to the soul.

But without love, I would not have been able to feel the pain that had numbed me.  Without love, I would not have been able to see the lie that had pierced me.  Without love, healing could not have commenced.  Now abide faith, hope, and love...but the greatest of these is LOVE (1 Cor 13:13).  

I have been tacitly told that in order to be loved, accepted, and worthy of encouragement in the family of God, I had to behave a certain way.  I had to be exceedingly outgoing, unreserved, hop like a kangaroo, have a marsupial pouch, cry on cue, be available 24/7, never be down or depressed, take loveless criticism as an honor and privilege, change or work on my 'deficiencies' when compared to other believers, accept to be treated as a 'second-tier' child of God for not behaving a certain way....and on, and on it goes.  Expectations I did not meet or did not exceed.  But then, God happened.

Spending over six weeks and a concentrated weekend serving others with a group of beautiful and loving ladies and gents, all who loved UNCONDITIONALLY, who did not expect me or others to hop like a kangaroo - rather, just expected for God to work in and thru me - was such a soothing balm to my hurting soul.  And I didn't even know I was hurting.  Notice, the expectation was not for me to do something, but for GOD to do the work (can you hear the sound of impossible burdens roll down and hit the floor...and shattering?).

It took LOVE to allow me to identify the lies that had settled deep down within my heart.  It took LOVE to allow me to feel the pain caused by the lies.  It took LOVE for me to let the tears roll down my face, and not feel guilty for it.

I don't have to be anything God has not created me to be.  I do not have to be anything God is not expecting of me.  The only thing I have to be is an empty vessel, that way He can fill me with Himself.  The only thing I have to do is obey Him, that way He can work in and thru me. 

Oh how sweet the taste of FREEDOM.  And how liberating the weight of TRUTH.    

Praise the Lord for creating a group of ladies and gents who reminded me what UNCONDITIONAL LOVE truly is!!

Again, LOVE truly is the greatest of the three.  Praise the Lord Jesus showed us what LOVE truly is, and for creating brethren who are vessels of His love for, not just the lost, but also for the followers of Jesus who are also hurting.

Praise the Lord for not expecting us to be something we are not.  Praise the Lord for giving us the easy yoke, the light burden: faithfulness, obedience.  We only need to obey Him, and Him alone.  Not others, or even ourselves - especially ourselves.

May His lovingkindness be perceived by your heart today!

This next song, Just Be by Lindsay Taylor, has been such a great ministering song, that I wanted to share it with you in hopes your eyes are reinforced to be fixed on Jesus - the Author and Finisher of our faith.

P.S.  I have no idea who Amanda Boutchía is; I just found this nice youtube video with the song set to a beautiful background.  So, just FYI.  :)

Are you striving to meet a certain expectation?  How does it make you feel when you can never exceed it, let alone meet it?

We are surrounded by a world that, manipulated by the enemy and our own sinful desires, bombards us with the message that we have to meet a certain expectation, fit into a certain mold.

And while detecting this lie might seem challenging when speaking of our physical appearance, it is an entirely different ballgame when we try to detect the lie as it pertains to our being.  What am I talking about?  I'm talking about our personalities, our walk with the Lord, our maturity and understanding of the Way, and the steps we take in following after Jesus.

I've been living in this lie for quite a while.  Here's the sad part: I didn't even know I believed those lies.

It has taken me years to actually detect the pain I was in, to acknowledge the pain (because even after detecting it, I still denied the pain in my soul), and to realize that those expectations are not right.  THEY ARE NOT RIGHT.

Oh, how painful it is to try to act like a kangaroo when I've been a dolphin all along!  How can I hop like a kangaroo and carry 'my young' ones with me, when I don't even have legs or a marsupial pouch?

But I realized that what pained me the most, what took me into numbness, was that these expectations were set by fellow believers. strong believers.

If we speak in tongues, angelic and human, and don't have love - we are nothing.  If we speak truth, and speak without love - it's like rubbing a towel of glass shards over raw skin.  If we speak lies, and and do so kindly - the piercings that are made will go so deep into a person's soul, it will settle down where truth was to abide.

In a loving way, I was told lies that settled down deep in my soul.  And while there is much pain associated with it, I thank the Lord that He has made me aware of this so that I don't do the same thing to others; but, most importantly, to ask for forgiveness of those to whom I have already wounded in similar fashion.  

I must be careful with what I say to other believers; I do not want to perpetuate a lie or introduce one to their souls.  How do I prevent this?  Hiding His word in my heart, being filled with the Spirit of Love, obeying His command to love others as myself.  All this so that I may be used as an instrument to build up the Church, not tear it down; to elevate my brethren, not weigh them down with impossible burdens; to Shine like the Son, not dim or overcast fellow believer's Light.

So what specific lies about my personality and walk with God am I referring to?   Part 2 will detail the darkness behind the lies.

Meantime, I pray the Lord allows us to detect the lie of 'having to meet or exceed' someone's expectations and moves us to healing, so that we may be able to minister to others who are still trying to reach the end of the race but are racing inside a hamster ball.