Existing is difficult; existing and being invisible, painful.

It is difficult to fight a disease without first having its diagnosis.  In like manner, it is difficult to confront a lie I have believed without knowing the name of the lie.  Even more difficult is knowing what constitutes a lie...

That is why, as the Lord brings the lie to the surface, He names the lie that I have believed all my life, a lie that has shaped my character, my behavior, my outlook, and the perception of myself.  This process is difficult.  It is painful.  It causes tremulous fear.

The name of this lie?...My existence is not acknowledged because I am not important, and I am not important because no one cares about or loves me...My pain has no feelings.  My voice is inaudible.  I am invisible.  I do not exist. 

This defined my existence from the time I began to use reason.  BUT, God is merciful toward me in that He has opened my eyes to His eyes.  He has opened my ears to His voice.  He has given me a voice for His ears.  He sees me - and not just me, He sees me completely.  For He sees my heart, both wickedness and the light brought by my redemption through His Son. 

I have said to Him: HEAR my cry, o God!  ATTEND to my prayer.  From the end of the earth I will CRY to You, when my heart is overwhelmed.

And He answered: I am a shelter for you, a strong tower from the enemy.  You will abide in My tabernacle forever; you will trust in the shelter of My wings.  For I, Your God, have HEARD your vows; I have given you the heritage of those who fear My Name...So you will SING praise to My Name forever.  Psalm 61

He sees my pain.  He hears my cry.  He listens to my prayer.  He offers me His wings to cover me and shelter me.  I exist in Him.  He loves me, for He knew me when He was forming my inward parts when in my mother's womb (Psalm 139:13) and He was my God from my mother's womb (Psalm 22:10).  He created me, therefore I do exist.  Christ died for me, therefore He does love me.

Lord, I believe; help my unbelief.


 

This is a great song by JJ Heller about the cry we have to be loved for who we are, just as we are.  I like this acoustic version...very earthy.

Enjoy!

When I go through trials, whether brought on by external circumstances or brought on by internal changes, I tend to focus on the 'uncomfortableness' of the trial.  I lose sight of my Lord and then it seems as if I were in a deep empty well somewhere in the dessert. 

This is the time when His promises, those He has made to me, come alive and become like a soothing balm to my soul.  These are the times when I am closest to Him and I feel Him embracing me tight and whispering to me.

This is His promise: 
"My daughter, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience.  But let patience have its perfect WORK, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing." 
James 1: 2 - 4.

I will rejoice in that the Lord cares for me to the point that He does not leave me with these imperfections, rather He puts me through fire so that His perfect work may come to be.

And today I was reminded of another promise:
"We also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope.  Now hope does not disappoint because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us." Romans 5: 3 - 5.

The Lord is molding my character to be like Christ; and the process is painful because removing the impurities that have been stuck to my soul for years will cause pain.  But, oh the beauty and blessedness that is left once these impurities are removed!  I, with joy, endure fire that I may be like Him, full of love, compassion, and mercy.  

All I am able to say is that vomiting all the lies I have swallowed is painful and fearful. 

Some have been etched in my soul, making them part of who I am - in essence, defining me.  So when the Lord focuses on and targets one of these lies that have defined me, I can and will honestly say, that I am filled with fear at seeing that the person who I thought I was, is not who I am.  It is disheartening, disappointing, and depressing.

I find myself crying out the lies and believing them again, even though I know they are not true.  I find myself going through His promises and knowing they are true, yet not believing Him.  It is paralyzing.

I cry out in anger and then in fear - will He leave me like this?  Will He give up on me?  Is He tired of this soul disappointing Him?  Will He ever use me for His glory?  Is His anger kindled against me?  Has He turned His face from me? 

I reject Him because I think I'm unworthy to receive His love - yet again.  And when I have cried all that I can, when I have lost all strength, when there is nothing left in me but being helpless, He says: I will never leave you nor forsake you and be confident of this very thing, my daughter, that I - who have begun a good work in you - will be faithful to complete it until the day of Jesus Christ. (Heb 13:5 and Phil 1:6).  Then He strengthens me and upholds me with His righteous right hand and continues to love me. 

He will not leave me like this.  He will not give up on me.  He is not disappointed in me because when He sees me, He sees His Son.  His name will be glorified through His work in me.  His anger is not kindled against me; the judgment for my sins was delivered at the Cross.  His Face shines over my face every morning and every hour I enter into His Holy presence.

There is nothing in me that is good, except Christ in me, for I am dead and my life is hidden with Christ in God. (Col 3:3).

My prayer is that I let Him touch, clean, and heal this wound; that His truth permeates my soul and give me life and that I give love and mercy to others with the same love and mercy with which He has taken care of me.

 

Sometimes we go to sleep yearning for rest....only to have unsettling dreams.  The Lord has reminded me of this promise:

"I lay down and slept; I awoke, for the Lord sustained me." Psalm 3:5

The song 'Keep you safe' by JJ Heller has reminded me of this promise, that He will sustain me and therefore I will not only lay down, but sleep and awaken.  Following is a video I found on youtube that someone put together with the song as background.

Copyrights to the song belong to JJ Heller.

Rejecting love when it is offered - frustrating.  Rejecting love when it is offered in addition to it being direly needed - pitiful and lamentable.

My Lord has taught me, but most importantly, lovingly showed me that He was giving me love and I was rejecting it while in utter need of it.  I didn't realize I was doing just that - rejecting the love of the Lover of my soul.

He has opened my eyes to this condition: I believed lies that I was unworthy of love.  Whenever love was offered, I would reject it because I was not worthy of it; I was starving for love.  How clever of the enemy to place a child of God in a catch 22. 

I praise my Lord, my Saviour, for having compassion of me and touching my wounds that He may heal them.  He whispered this to me:

"Trust in Me at all times, my beautiful daughter; pour out your heart before Me; I am a refuge for you. Selah" Psalm 62:8

So I did just that; I poured out my heart to Him and He hid me under His wings.  Trusting Him with those 'good' things is easy, trusting Him with my wounds was and is hard.  Yet, He was gentle to love me through it all and comfort me.  Truly, He is my Shepherd, leading me beside the still waters and restoring my soul.

I pray I allow Him to empty my heart that He may fill it with His love; then, I can pour His love into others.