Some have been etched in my soul, making them part of who I am - in essence, defining me. So when the Lord focuses on and targets one of these lies that have defined me, I can and will honestly say, that I am filled with fear at seeing that the person who I thought I was, is not who I am. It is disheartening, disappointing, and depressing.
I find myself crying out the lies and believing them again, even though I know they are not true. I find myself going through His promises and knowing they are true, yet not believing Him. It is paralyzing.
I cry out in anger and then in fear - will He leave me like this? Will He give up on me? Is He tired of this soul disappointing Him? Will He ever use me for His glory? Is His anger kindled against me? Has He turned His face from me?
I reject Him because I think I'm unworthy to receive His love - yet again. And when I have cried all that I can, when I have lost all strength, when there is nothing left in me but being helpless, He says: I will never leave you nor forsake you and be confident of this very thing, my daughter, that I - who have begun a good work in you - will be faithful to complete it until the day of Jesus Christ. (Heb 13:5 and Phil 1:6). Then He strengthens me and upholds me with His righteous right hand and continues to love me.
He will not leave me like this. He will not give up on me. He is not disappointed in me because when He sees me, He sees His Son. His name will be glorified through His work in me. His anger is not kindled against me; the judgment for my sins was delivered at the Cross. His Face shines over my face every morning and every hour I enter into His Holy presence.
There is nothing in me that is good, except Christ in me, for I am dead and my life is hidden with Christ in God. (Col 3:3).
My prayer is that I let Him touch, clean, and heal this wound; that His truth permeates my soul and give me life and that I give love and mercy to others with the same love and mercy with which He has taken care of me.