If there is anything my mouth could speak at this moment it would be the words of Isaiah: Woe is me, for I am undone.

“Woe is me, for I am undone!
Because I am a man of unclean lips,
And I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips;
For my eyes have seen the King, The Lord of hosts.”
Isaiah 6:5

Sometimes we don't see how unclean we are until the Light of the Lord shines brightly on us.  Then we see our wicked heart - and even what we see is just the tip of the iceberg of our wickedness.  The tip of the iceberg of my wickedness.

How many times do we sin and, though we are convicted of sin and repent of it, we don't see the depth and magnitude of our sin?  Not just seeing the consequences, but seeing how sinful our sin is? 

This is just like what I experienced with icing.  I really like icing, buttercream icing to be specific.  Whenever I would eat cake, I would make sure that I would get a good portion of icing - and while I did know that icing was not good for my health, I did not realize to what extent.  Then one day there was a cupcake contest in which I wanted to participate; I had baked cakes before, but not cupcakes.  But more importantly, I had not made icing to decorate the cakes.  When I looked up the recipe for icing, I went into a sort of shock.  I just couldn't believe it.  I had no idea that icing is butter and sugar.  I was so shocked!  I just thought, eating icing is like eating a stick of butter with sugar.  Wow!!  Heart attacks and diabetes!  I wish this would have been enough to keep me away from icing for good.  And while I have not eliminated icing completely, when I do eat cake, I try to not eat the corners of cakes or portions that are heavily decorated.

Sin is as deeply clogging as the butter and insidious and numbing like the sugar.  Sweet poison.

This is exactly what has happened to me.  I sin and I repent of my sin.  But just recently, my eyes have seen the King, the Lord of Hosts, and I have not only seen my sin, but have seen how deep, insidious, and numbing sin is, and how Holy, Holy, HOLY God is.  Woe is me. Woe is me.

I am undone.  All I can say is that, like the movie Amazing Grace states, I am a great sinner and Christ is a great savior. 

Thank you, Lord Jesus, for taking the beatings for me.  For taking the torture for me.  For taking the abuse for me.  And with tears in my eyes and weeping in my heart, thank you for receiving the wrath of Your Father that was meant for me.  To you alone be any and all glory!  There is none like you. None.

Song: We will run by Gunger (again, I didn't put this together - just linking).

I want to be in control of everything and I believe that thinking about the current situation I find myself in and how to resolve it, will make me be in control.  What an ilusion.  It's chasing after the wind.  Like trying to hold on to vapour with my bare hands.

I had asked the Lord to search my heart and shine a light into it to reveal my intentions, desires, pride and arrogance that were blinding me to Him.  Once He would pull those out, I would be able to see and hear clearly.  All day I could not stop thinking about the situation, the characters, their intentions (and evil intentions), the forces, the grand scheme of things, the not-so grand scheme of things, the pig picture, the little picture, the invisible picture, the abscence of a picture...you get the pitcture. 

I worship 'my' career, my method of solving problems, the knowledge of what are the motives of other people's hearts (which I can't know at all), in summary: my will!  Me! I'm the center of my will.  Ugh! 

This doesn't solve my current situation but it does bring some release and relief in that this is much bigger than what my eyes are capable of seeing.  This is about Jesus bringing out of me that which is not of Him.  His submission to the Father is what He wants to engrave in my heart. 

Clearly, I am a wild horse.  The Lord seeks to channel that force in a positive and constructive way - and breaking my willful, prideful, and arrogance-filled desires and ways will yield a usable force. 

My situation is the same, but now I know what lurked in my heart that didn't allow me to visualize the situation with God's eyes: Idolatry. 

I believe my decision has to be based on this now: do I crush the idol or do I leave the idol intact and purpose myself not to idolize it?  Oh, and which one is the idol?

Just looking at the Old Testament shows me that there was a reason why the Lord instructed the children of Israel to destroy the idols found in their midst.  He did this sooo many times!  Why?  It's obvious that we are weak and cannot be in the presence of idols and expect to be 'strong' enough to not fall down and worship again.  But most certainly, I am weak.  I am very weak.  I know I will inevitably take my eyes off of Jesus and fix them on my idol.  Oh wretched woman that I am!  But thanks be to Christ Jesus who overcame my sin on the Cross.  And it is He who will preserve me blameless and keep me until the day of His return. 

So what now?  I don't know.  All I know is that I need to fall down and worship Him, and He will guide me step by step and give me the courage and bravery to carry out His will - however painful it may be for those around me and myself.

Are you in the same boat?  You may need to step out of the boat to see if you are suffering from the same disease...

Here's the second song the pierced my arrogant heart (I didn't put video together so you can go to youtube directly if you would like - just want to clear that up :)).  Clear the Stage by Jimmy Needham.

Wow - the good thing about being in the middle of a dark and foggy forest is that the Lord reveals the deepest and darkest desires of our hearts.  Such is the case with yours truly.

In the midst of this situation I am in, I found myself signing two songs over and over again.  'Clear the Stage' by Jimmy Needham and 'I will Bring you Home' by Michael Card.  One brought me comfort, the other pointed to my dark secret.

Feeling helpless, lost, and confused, the song that I kept singing was 'I will bring you home'.  I felt and re-discovered His comfort, the tenderness and comfort of my Father, my Abba.  This promise that He will bring me home and have me enter into His day of rest was like a gentle drizzle on my parched soul.  One day He would bring me home, where my only desire is to sit at Jesus' feet.  A day where I will finally be rid of this flesh, where unbelief takes a hold, fears paralyze, and torment tortures.

If you want to listen to the song, you can click here and it will take you to another window, or you can scroll to the bottom of the post. :)

Then, after Abba comforted me and held me in His arms, the song that I was led to sing was 'Clear the Stage'.  I found myself meditating on the bridge and realized that I had been thinking about my situation all week - non-stop!  In case you are not familiar with the bridge, it goes like this: Anything I put before my God is an idol; anything I want with all my heart is an idol; anything I CAN'T STOP THINKING OF IS AN IDOL; anything that I give all my love is an idol. 

Then, after speaking with a friend about motives of the heart (which the Lord sees) and good works (which men see), the song Malachi by Michael Card came to mind.  Again, it's about bringing offerings to God yet being far away from Him; singing unto the Lord, yet not worshipping Him. 

And just now - as in this evening at 9:30 pm - the Lord has revealed what is hidden in my heart: IDOLATRY.  Wow!  What an idol worshipper I am!

Here is the song 'I will bring you home' by Michael Card - the rest of this story is found in part 2.

 

I don't normally write on the blog to process anything.  Usually I will write about something the Lord has recently taught, revealed, or changed in me.  But I feel that this time I have to write as I'm going thru the foggy, dark and stormy night.

There's a decision to be made, a fork in the road, and I can't hear His voice.  It feels like my head has been pushed under water in an attempt to drown me.  Masked figures have beaten me.  An ominous silence that shrieks in your ears.  Invisible hands cut me in an attempt to make me believe it's all in my head. It's all battle, battle, battle.  Battling ghosts of the past (with very real present threats), battling dysfunctionality, and battling the strong desire of the flesh.

To stay or turn around.  To let people down and go to where the Lord is pointing.  To place yourself in harms way and stay where the Lord is saying to stay.  Which of these statements is true?

Though today I am sinking, I know He will show up.  Will I have the faith to wait for Him?  Will I have the obedience to do what He instructs day by day?

I know you may be thinking: She's lacking faith.  She's focused on herself.  She is simply looking at the winds.  She's not fixing her eyes on Jesus.  Yes, I am guilty of all.  This is where I am today.  Have you been here at some point in your life?  Remember...

All I need is His hand, His word.  He will meet me where I am and take me to where He is.  Today I am sinking.  Tomorrow, by faith, I know He will have stretched out His hand and saved me.

In the meantime, this is where I am.