I was participating in a workout class, and I was battling thoughts of my recent disappointments. I had set a weight goal to reach the previous two months, and I didn't reach it. I wanted to cry. Right there, in the middle of working out, in front of loads of people. But the presence of those people held my tears back. I kept thinking: if I could only reach that goal, then I will be ok. Everything else would fall into place. Why couldn't I reach that goal?! I did everything I was supposed to do, and still fell abysmally short of that goal. That's when I realized that I was looking for my 'promised land', where I would find rest. Only I would not find rest because that goal was not the promised land.
That's when I realized that the peace and rest that I was seeking in reaching my goal was to finally feel like there is value to me, to my soul; to feel like my life does count; to be free from all the disdainful voices that have been my constant companion from the time that I was a little girl. Enter God.
We had a short but deep conversation about this whole situation. Right in the middle of the work out. He spoke truth, but I couldn't hear Him clearly with all the lies that where being yelled inside my head. And in that second, when I could see His truth colliding with the lies inside my head, my vision was restored.
My promised land could not be a tangible goal, it could not be a state of being; it needed to be something bigger and unmovable. My promised land is to believe His truth about me. About who He says I am. About what He says of me. It cannot be any 'place' because those other 'places' are not permanent. However, if I believe His truth about me, of who He says I am, it doesn't matter where I find myself, which lies begin to pound my head, or what distortion a mirror may give me, because I will be in the 'promised land'. Believing His truth overcomes the darkest of days and the coldest of nights.
So that is my promised land: to finally believe what He says of me and who I am. To believe His truth about me. When I get there I will find rest, happiness, and peace.