The lie of meeting or exceeding expectations set by others is so damaging to the soul.

But without love, I would not have been able to feel the pain that had numbed me.  Without love, I would not have been able to see the lie that had pierced me.  Without love, healing could not have commenced.  Now abide faith, hope, and love...but the greatest of these is LOVE (1 Cor 13:13).  

I have been tacitly told that in order to be loved, accepted, and worthy of encouragement in the family of God, I had to behave a certain way.  I had to be exceedingly outgoing, unreserved, hop like a kangaroo, have a marsupial pouch, cry on cue, be available 24/7, never be down or depressed, take loveless criticism as an honor and privilege, change or work on my 'deficiencies' when compared to other believers, accept to be treated as a 'second-tier' child of God for not behaving a certain way....and on, and on it goes.  Expectations I did not meet or did not exceed.  But then, God happened.

Spending over six weeks and a concentrated weekend serving others with a group of beautiful and loving ladies and gents, all who loved UNCONDITIONALLY, who did not expect me or others to hop like a kangaroo - rather, just expected for God to work in and thru me - was such a soothing balm to my hurting soul.  And I didn't even know I was hurting.  Notice, the expectation was not for me to do something, but for GOD to do the work (can you hear the sound of impossible burdens roll down and hit the floor...and shattering?).

It took LOVE to allow me to identify the lies that had settled deep down within my heart.  It took LOVE to allow me to feel the pain caused by the lies.  It took LOVE for me to let the tears roll down my face, and not feel guilty for it.

I don't have to be anything God has not created me to be.  I do not have to be anything God is not expecting of me.  The only thing I have to be is an empty vessel, that way He can fill me with Himself.  The only thing I have to do is obey Him, that way He can work in and thru me. 

Oh how sweet the taste of FREEDOM.  And how liberating the weight of TRUTH.    

Praise the Lord for creating a group of ladies and gents who reminded me what UNCONDITIONAL LOVE truly is!!

Again, LOVE truly is the greatest of the three.  Praise the Lord Jesus showed us what LOVE truly is, and for creating brethren who are vessels of His love for, not just the lost, but also for the followers of Jesus who are also hurting.

Praise the Lord for not expecting us to be something we are not.  Praise the Lord for giving us the easy yoke, the light burden: faithfulness, obedience.  We only need to obey Him, and Him alone.  Not others, or even ourselves - especially ourselves.

May His lovingkindness be perceived by your heart today!

This next song, Just Be by Lindsay Taylor, has been such a great ministering song, that I wanted to share it with you in hopes your eyes are reinforced to be fixed on Jesus - the Author and Finisher of our faith.

P.S.  I have no idea who Amanda Boutchía is; I just found this nice youtube video with the song set to a beautiful background.  So, just FYI.  :)

Are you striving to meet a certain expectation?  How does it make you feel when you can never exceed it, let alone meet it?

We are surrounded by a world that, manipulated by the enemy and our own sinful desires, bombards us with the message that we have to meet a certain expectation, fit into a certain mold.

And while detecting this lie might seem challenging when speaking of our physical appearance, it is an entirely different ballgame when we try to detect the lie as it pertains to our being.  What am I talking about?  I'm talking about our personalities, our walk with the Lord, our maturity and understanding of the Way, and the steps we take in following after Jesus.

I've been living in this lie for quite a while.  Here's the sad part: I didn't even know I believed those lies.

It has taken me years to actually detect the pain I was in, to acknowledge the pain (because even after detecting it, I still denied the pain in my soul), and to realize that those expectations are not right.  THEY ARE NOT RIGHT.

Oh, how painful it is to try to act like a kangaroo when I've been a dolphin all along!  How can I hop like a kangaroo and carry 'my young' ones with me, when I don't even have legs or a marsupial pouch?

But I realized that what pained me the most, what took me into numbness, was that these expectations were set by fellow believers. strong believers.

If we speak in tongues, angelic and human, and don't have love - we are nothing.  If we speak truth, and speak without love - it's like rubbing a towel of glass shards over raw skin.  If we speak lies, and and do so kindly - the piercings that are made will go so deep into a person's soul, it will settle down where truth was to abide.

In a loving way, I was told lies that settled down deep in my soul.  And while there is much pain associated with it, I thank the Lord that He has made me aware of this so that I don't do the same thing to others; but, most importantly, to ask for forgiveness of those to whom I have already wounded in similar fashion.  

I must be careful with what I say to other believers; I do not want to perpetuate a lie or introduce one to their souls.  How do I prevent this?  Hiding His word in my heart, being filled with the Spirit of Love, obeying His command to love others as myself.  All this so that I may be used as an instrument to build up the Church, not tear it down; to elevate my brethren, not weigh them down with impossible burdens; to Shine like the Son, not dim or overcast fellow believer's Light.

So what specific lies about my personality and walk with God am I referring to?   Part 2 will detail the darkness behind the lies.

Meantime, I pray the Lord allows us to detect the lie of 'having to meet or exceed' someone's expectations and moves us to healing, so that we may be able to minister to others who are still trying to reach the end of the race but are racing inside a hamster ball.

It has been over three years of silence.  I did not purpose it, it simply happened.  But the silence was necessary, actually essential for me to listen to the one voice that I needed, and will always need to listen: my Father.

As part of pouring out, that others may be edified, the following is meant to encourage and demonstrate that there is always a light at the end of a tunnel, and that Light is Jesus.

During the silence, I went through a dark period - a cold place.  Such darkness and coldness I have never experienced.  Indeed, tunnels have that effect; and if one is claustrophobic, it probably doesn't help your spirit. I'm not claustrophobic, but I am claustrophobic in the spiritual realm.  Being in that spiritual tunnel was not good for this spiritual claustrophobic (not sure if I just invented a noun here :-/). 

Walking in a tunnel where I ceased to feel, ceased to dream, ceased to hope, led me to silence.  There were no words in my heart, no thoughts in my mind.  But it was here, where I lacked words in my heart and thoughts in my mind, that the Word of God was drizzling gently over my soul, His Spirit testifying to my spirit of my Father, and His love patiently and gently shepherding me beside the QUIET waters.  Eliminating the noise, the thoughts, the expectations of others and the world, left me with the most important choice needed in order to listen to the one and only voice worth listening to: His voice.

Like Elijah, the Lord gave me food and provided rest; the journey I would be taking would be a long one and so my body needed to be replenished.  This is where I am now.  Ready to embark on the path the Lord has set before me, and every step I take will be with His hand holding mine.

Psalm 23 is a gentle song, a tender reminder, of how the Lord gently shepherds our hearts, and how wisely He takes His time.  He does not follow the timelines of other people, doesn't adhere to our expectations; He simply shepherds according to His infinite wisdom and limitless love.

I pray you experience Psalm 23 in a new light while you go thru your tunnels.  It is my prayer that God reveals Himself to you in a new and special way, and that you are unusually aware of this revelation.

May your meditation on the following words bring much fruit!

Psalm 23 A psalm of David.

1 The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
2     He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
3     he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
    for his name’s sake.
4 Even though I walk
    through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil,
    for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
    they comfort me.


5 You prepare a table before me
    in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
    my cup overflows.
6 Surely your goodness and love will follow me
    all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
    forever.

My Shepherd (Psalm 23) by Michael Card (linking to youtube video)

If there is anything my mouth could speak at this moment it would be the words of Isaiah: Woe is me, for I am undone.

“Woe is me, for I am undone!
Because I am a man of unclean lips,
And I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips;
For my eyes have seen the King, The Lord of hosts.”
Isaiah 6:5

Sometimes we don't see how unclean we are until the Light of the Lord shines brightly on us.  Then we see our wicked heart - and even what we see is just the tip of the iceberg of our wickedness.  The tip of the iceberg of my wickedness.

How many times do we sin and, though we are convicted of sin and repent of it, we don't see the depth and magnitude of our sin?  Not just seeing the consequences, but seeing how sinful our sin is? 

This is just like what I experienced with icing.  I really like icing, buttercream icing to be specific.  Whenever I would eat cake, I would make sure that I would get a good portion of icing - and while I did know that icing was not good for my health, I did not realize to what extent.  Then one day there was a cupcake contest in which I wanted to participate; I had baked cakes before, but not cupcakes.  But more importantly, I had not made icing to decorate the cakes.  When I looked up the recipe for icing, I went into a sort of shock.  I just couldn't believe it.  I had no idea that icing is butter and sugar.  I was so shocked!  I just thought, eating icing is like eating a stick of butter with sugar.  Wow!!  Heart attacks and diabetes!  I wish this would have been enough to keep me away from icing for good.  And while I have not eliminated icing completely, when I do eat cake, I try to not eat the corners of cakes or portions that are heavily decorated.

Sin is as deeply clogging as the butter and insidious and numbing like the sugar.  Sweet poison.

This is exactly what has happened to me.  I sin and I repent of my sin.  But just recently, my eyes have seen the King, the Lord of Hosts, and I have not only seen my sin, but have seen how deep, insidious, and numbing sin is, and how Holy, Holy, HOLY God is.  Woe is me. Woe is me.

I am undone.  All I can say is that, like the movie Amazing Grace states, I am a great sinner and Christ is a great savior. 

Thank you, Lord Jesus, for taking the beatings for me.  For taking the torture for me.  For taking the abuse for me.  And with tears in my eyes and weeping in my heart, thank you for receiving the wrath of Your Father that was meant for me.  To you alone be any and all glory!  There is none like you. None.

Song: We will run by Gunger (again, I didn't put this together - just linking).

I want to be in control of everything and I believe that thinking about the current situation I find myself in and how to resolve it, will make me be in control.  What an ilusion.  It's chasing after the wind.  Like trying to hold on to vapour with my bare hands.

I had asked the Lord to search my heart and shine a light into it to reveal my intentions, desires, pride and arrogance that were blinding me to Him.  Once He would pull those out, I would be able to see and hear clearly.  All day I could not stop thinking about the situation, the characters, their intentions (and evil intentions), the forces, the grand scheme of things, the not-so grand scheme of things, the pig picture, the little picture, the invisible picture, the abscence of a picture...you get the pitcture. 

I worship 'my' career, my method of solving problems, the knowledge of what are the motives of other people's hearts (which I can't know at all), in summary: my will!  Me! I'm the center of my will.  Ugh! 

This doesn't solve my current situation but it does bring some release and relief in that this is much bigger than what my eyes are capable of seeing.  This is about Jesus bringing out of me that which is not of Him.  His submission to the Father is what He wants to engrave in my heart. 

Clearly, I am a wild horse.  The Lord seeks to channel that force in a positive and constructive way - and breaking my willful, prideful, and arrogance-filled desires and ways will yield a usable force. 

My situation is the same, but now I know what lurked in my heart that didn't allow me to visualize the situation with God's eyes: Idolatry. 

I believe my decision has to be based on this now: do I crush the idol or do I leave the idol intact and purpose myself not to idolize it?  Oh, and which one is the idol?

Just looking at the Old Testament shows me that there was a reason why the Lord instructed the children of Israel to destroy the idols found in their midst.  He did this sooo many times!  Why?  It's obvious that we are weak and cannot be in the presence of idols and expect to be 'strong' enough to not fall down and worship again.  But most certainly, I am weak.  I am very weak.  I know I will inevitably take my eyes off of Jesus and fix them on my idol.  Oh wretched woman that I am!  But thanks be to Christ Jesus who overcame my sin on the Cross.  And it is He who will preserve me blameless and keep me until the day of His return. 

So what now?  I don't know.  All I know is that I need to fall down and worship Him, and He will guide me step by step and give me the courage and bravery to carry out His will - however painful it may be for those around me and myself.

Are you in the same boat?  You may need to step out of the boat to see if you are suffering from the same disease...

Here's the second song the pierced my arrogant heart (I didn't put video together so you can go to youtube directly if you would like - just want to clear that up :)).  Clear the Stage by Jimmy Needham.

Wow - the good thing about being in the middle of a dark and foggy forest is that the Lord reveals the deepest and darkest desires of our hearts.  Such is the case with yours truly.

In the midst of this situation I am in, I found myself signing two songs over and over again.  'Clear the Stage' by Jimmy Needham and 'I will Bring you Home' by Michael Card.  One brought me comfort, the other pointed to my dark secret.

Feeling helpless, lost, and confused, the song that I kept singing was 'I will bring you home'.  I felt and re-discovered His comfort, the tenderness and comfort of my Father, my Abba.  This promise that He will bring me home and have me enter into His day of rest was like a gentle drizzle on my parched soul.  One day He would bring me home, where my only desire is to sit at Jesus' feet.  A day where I will finally be rid of this flesh, where unbelief takes a hold, fears paralyze, and torment tortures.

If you want to listen to the song, you can click here and it will take you to another window, or you can scroll to the bottom of the post. :)

Then, after Abba comforted me and held me in His arms, the song that I was led to sing was 'Clear the Stage'.  I found myself meditating on the bridge and realized that I had been thinking about my situation all week - non-stop!  In case you are not familiar with the bridge, it goes like this: Anything I put before my God is an idol; anything I want with all my heart is an idol; anything I CAN'T STOP THINKING OF IS AN IDOL; anything that I give all my love is an idol. 

Then, after speaking with a friend about motives of the heart (which the Lord sees) and good works (which men see), the song Malachi by Michael Card came to mind.  Again, it's about bringing offerings to God yet being far away from Him; singing unto the Lord, yet not worshipping Him. 

And just now - as in this evening at 9:30 pm - the Lord has revealed what is hidden in my heart: IDOLATRY.  Wow!  What an idol worshipper I am!

Here is the song 'I will bring you home' by Michael Card - the rest of this story is found in part 2.

 

I don't normally write on the blog to process anything.  Usually I will write about something the Lord has recently taught, revealed, or changed in me.  But I feel that this time I have to write as I'm going thru the foggy, dark and stormy night.

There's a decision to be made, a fork in the road, and I can't hear His voice.  It feels like my head has been pushed under water in an attempt to drown me.  Masked figures have beaten me.  An ominous silence that shrieks in your ears.  Invisible hands cut me in an attempt to make me believe it's all in my head. It's all battle, battle, battle.  Battling ghosts of the past (with very real present threats), battling dysfunctionality, and battling the strong desire of the flesh.

To stay or turn around.  To let people down and go to where the Lord is pointing.  To place yourself in harms way and stay where the Lord is saying to stay.  Which of these statements is true?

Though today I am sinking, I know He will show up.  Will I have the faith to wait for Him?  Will I have the obedience to do what He instructs day by day?

I know you may be thinking: She's lacking faith.  She's focused on herself.  She is simply looking at the winds.  She's not fixing her eyes on Jesus.  Yes, I am guilty of all.  This is where I am today.  Have you been here at some point in your life?  Remember...

All I need is His hand, His word.  He will meet me where I am and take me to where He is.  Today I am sinking.  Tomorrow, by faith, I know He will have stretched out His hand and saved me.

In the meantime, this is where I am.

I began this post sometime between October of 2011 and January of 2012.  I regret not finishing it when the Lord gave it to me.  However, I don't want to leave it unpublished - so here it goes.

When I look at the world around me, I find it difficult to see Jesus at work or see Him at all.  Pain and suffering, violence and betrayal, apathy and indifference...where is Jesus in these?

It is quite easy to understand why it is difficult to see Jesus in these circumstances.  But how about seeing Him in our churches, with our brothers and sisters in Christ - is it difficult to see Him?  Is it possible that our religiosity and self-righteousness has blinded us to Him?  Is it possible that our complacency and lukewarmness has made our hearts insensitive?

Lately I have been walking with Christ closer than ever before.  I have beheld His scars and seen His compassion in a way I had not seen before.  Thanks be to God for brokenness, for it is through being broken that I am seeing Him clearer.  Being broken, broken beyond repair, has led me to let the Holy Spirit take control of this vessel.  I have found myself praying that the Holy Spirit do what is necessary to conform me to the image of Christ - even if this process is painful.